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On Hold

I have not been posting to this blog as regularly as in the past.  Partly that is because I'm writing other things in other places.  But that is not the biggest reason.

"A Silhouette of Sadness"
JinKY Lin
Truth is, this has been a really difficult year.  And most of what I write about on this blog is the way my spiritual life and my daily life intersect.  I write about what is hard for me, what I am wrestling with.

Unfortunately, I can't really do that this year.  Most of what I am wrestling with involves stories that are not just mine--in the sense that they are not mine to share.

One thing I learned early--the world is much less anonymous than we sometimes think it is.  If there is one person who should not see themselves discussed in public, you can count on their seeing any public discussion you put out there.  And I feel strongly that I can't write what it would harm or embarrass other people to write.

It's one thing to make myself vulnerable, another to make other people that way without their consent.

So here I am, actually struggling a lot this year with a kind of heaviness of heart and sometimes spirit, sometimes feeling overwhelmed and discouraged and at other times just dog-tired.  And I'm doing a lot of wrestling with feelings of failure, and what failure really means, and whether in fact thinking of life in terms like failure and success isn't really a symptom of some problem I'd be better off without, and whether it is possible to be a failure in terms of results--even important results--and yet have been faithful.

At least mostly faithful.  At least most of the time.

And I could go on, but in the absence of detail, how on earth is this anything but a litany of abstractions?

I am trying not to feel like not writing here is another sort of failure (or not) to judge myself on (or not).  After all, the point is not regular publication, but "blogging in the spirit of worship."

There are times I do not feel Spirit very close to me this year.  And there are times when I do, but I'm too tired to be encouraged anyway.

And other times when I am sure everything is going to be just fine--and when I remember that, in fact, it already is.

I'm not actually in despair, and I have good and loving support available to me.  But it's still been a tough year...  It's sort of like one of those days that you can get even in the middle of a glorious summer, when you're socked in with mist and there doesn't seem to be a lot of life anywhere but in the drone of mosquitoes.

This, too, is part of the journey.  I know it.  But it's a part I'm not well able to share at the moment.

I'm not experiencing the dark night of the soul.  More like... being on hold, waiting for something to break through the muzak that I can write about for public consumption.

I'll be back, when what my Spirit is wrestling with--or celebrating--is something I can share.


xtreme said…
Thank you for sharing all that. I can't say I'm fond of that waiting place, a sort of middle ground, myself. But we all go through it. Know that you are thought of with fondness. Sending positive energy your way.
Robin said…
I believe with all I am that it is possible to be a failure in terms of results (yes, even important results) and yet have been faithful. I wish I had more control over the things that are most important to me, but when I'm honest with myself, I know I don't.

Best wishes in difficult times. And thanks for being true. Your writing has been helpful to me.
Crow said…
I will read what ever you wish to write here. Personally detailed or not. I have had a presence online and elsewhere during the most turbulent place and time in my life. Like you, I did not disclose situations or details. I did not want to hurt innocent bystanders while I expressed my truth. Looking back, I am glad I kept certain details to myself and my supportive circle. I road it out.

What followed after that long and painful stretch, was quite amazing. Instead of hoping life would work out. I made it work out. I worked with the forces of the Universe and found my center again.

Your post reminded me of this. Thank you for writing it. I hope you continue.

ThresholdMum said…
Thank you so much for your post.

A story I heard in meeting for worship when a child meant a lot to me then, and still does. If we think of ourselves as the pieces of glass in a stained glass window it matters that we are true to our experience at any time. If my God-given experiences are orange, while all around me are green, yet it matters that this is what I hold true to. And then, when the sun comes out, the picture stands as a whole, my piece plays its full part in the window.

I do believe it is possible to have fallen short of 'success' in something very close to our hearts, and yet to have been faithful. Many things are outside our control, in our private lives and in the wider world. I think of those who started the struggle against the slave trade, - who I imagine stood close to those in pain and suffering, who shared their pain, who risked, who advocated - who led the way, and were faithful - but whose descendants 200 years later were those who tasted the endorsement of success. I think it matters deeply that we, where we can, are authentic and honest about our lives, - our hopes and dreams, and our griefs - as you are - not least because sharing our stories helps others around us to see their experiences in clearer perspective, to feel empowered by our sharing - as I am by yours. God bless, and thank you warmly for your posts.
Bright Crow said…

You speak my mind in many ways regarding this period of the world's collective life.

And I agree with the previous comments.

It's difficult to be in the now when the now seems so "stuck."

I've become used to feeling this way during the winter, when nature herself is "stuck." That stuckness is a necessary part of the wheel of the year.

But now...?

We can only trust that, on a larger wheel beyond our knowing, the One is watching.

Blessed Be,
Michael Bright Crow
Thank you--all of you, each of you, for words of encouragement in hard times. (I look forward to sharing the joyful times, too.)

Merry Stanford said…
Cat, I am holding you tenderly in the Light. I see you, held up by your faith and the faith of many others. Held up by Mother Earth, with her abundant gifts of food and pleasure and comfort. Lie down on her when you need to. And please continue writing about your process, your feelings, however abstract they may seem to you. The details of the story are not always the most transforming bits. How is Spirit working in you? How are you working in Spirit? One of my most powerful experiences of Christ was during a time when I felt bereft and betrayed, burdened by ancient and painful memories. I've told that story many times without telling the details of the memories, and it has been of use to many, and to me. I cherish your voice. Blessings.
- Merry

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